I am feeling some strong emotions today, and I just wanted to write them down. I'm not sure where this post will go, because it is an "emotional dump" if you will...
I feel like I have lost sight of myself. Tears stream down my face as I realize that I have somehow become trapped in a cyclone of bad behaviors. I am selfish. Somehow tragedy always makes you take a look at your life under a magnifying glass and wonder... what if. I know by looking at my facebook page that many of my friends feel as strongly as I do about the terrible events that happened at Sandy Hook elementary.
I know I try to do too much. I heap my already overflowing plate to the point where it spills over onto the ground, creating even more work to be done.
I used to be the kind of mom that was patient. My kids would throw fits and instead of yelling I would TALK to them. I used to be the kind of mom that would help. If my kids were lacking motivation to clean up, I would turn up the music and do it with them. I used to go "all out" on birthdays and holidays, trying to sneak in every tradition I could. *pause for a small breakdown* I am not that mom anymore. I have become so involved in other things and somewhere along the way I changed the order of my priorities.
I often have people say to me, "I just don't know how you do it all!" and I smile, and shrug it off. Well I figured it out... I have sacrificed so much precious time with my family. When I saw what those families went through my heart truly broke for them. I simply could not imagine... I have resolved to do better... not just better, but my very best to get back to being the mom that I want to be, the wife I want to be, and the friend I want to be. I will be selfLESS again, somehow. I know I am never going to be perfect, but I have lost sight of what is the very most important. I will still continue to juggle all the crazy aspects of my life, but my family will be my top priority. I love my family with every piece of my heart, and I can't tell you how hard it is to look back at the past year... 2 years really, and realize that most of it is a complete blur. I have been going through the motions without really LIVING. Well today is a new day and I intend to make the most of it. I hugged and kissed on Annie for at least an hour last night, I really LOOKED at Drayden and Chantel this morning and realized how much they have grown. The very though of Brittany puts a lump in my throat the size of Texas... She is going to be a SENIOR next year. Life is just hitting me like a freight train today. I need to go say a little prayer and get a hold of myself. THANK YOU SO MUCH to those people in my life that love me in spite of my faults, to those people that call me a friend, even though I haven't done a thing to earn such a title... <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
2 comments:
I think we all have moments that we feel just like you're feeling. I've been feeling this way alot lately! You're not alone. I think you're awesome and doing a great job! I noticed when you guys were here that you told your family that you needed to say family prayers before they went to bed. That's awesome, Lynnette, and that got me motivated to do that with my family as well. So thanks for that! You were a great example without even knowing it. Love ya!
We all have those moments that push us to change the order of things and what we're putting first. It shows how much you care for your family that you're even considering it. I hope you can figure out what will work best for you guys, and that the changes won't be too painful. Usually if it's right, your peace will make up for the pain! I am also trying to sort out my life - mostly how much work I can take on and still be a good wife, mom, and take care of myself too. It's hard to do other work at all when you're a mom!
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