I am feeling some strong emotions today, and I just wanted to write them down. I'm not sure where this post will go, because it is an "emotional dump" if you will...
I feel like I have lost sight of myself. Tears stream down my face as I realize that I have somehow become trapped in a cyclone of bad behaviors. I am selfish. Somehow tragedy always makes you take a look at your life under a magnifying glass and wonder... what if. I know by looking at my facebook page that many of my friends feel as strongly as I do about the terrible events that happened at Sandy Hook elementary.
I know I try to do too much. I heap my already overflowing plate to the point where it spills over onto the ground, creating even more work to be done.
I used to be the kind of mom that was patient. My kids would throw fits and instead of yelling I would TALK to them. I used to be the kind of mom that would help. If my kids were lacking motivation to clean up, I would turn up the music and do it with them. I used to go "all out" on birthdays and holidays, trying to sneak in every tradition I could. *pause for a small breakdown* I am not that mom anymore. I have become so involved in other things and somewhere along the way I changed the order of my priorities.
I often have people say to me, "I just don't know how you do it all!" and I smile, and shrug it off. Well I figured it out... I have sacrificed so much precious time with my family. When I saw what those families went through my heart truly broke for them. I simply could not imagine... I have resolved to do better... not just better, but my very best to get back to being the mom that I want to be, the wife I want to be, and the friend I want to be. I will be selfLESS again, somehow. I know I am never going to be perfect, but I have lost sight of what is the very most important. I will still continue to juggle all the crazy aspects of my life, but my family will be my top priority. I love my family with every piece of my heart, and I can't tell you how hard it is to look back at the past year... 2 years really, and realize that most of it is a complete blur. I have been going through the motions without really LIVING. Well today is a new day and I intend to make the most of it. I hugged and kissed on Annie for at least an hour last night, I really LOOKED at Drayden and Chantel this morning and realized how much they have grown. The very though of Brittany puts a lump in my throat the size of Texas... She is going to be a SENIOR next year. Life is just hitting me like a freight train today. I need to go say a little prayer and get a hold of myself. THANK YOU SO MUCH to those people in my life that love me in spite of my faults, to those people that call me a friend, even though I haven't done a thing to earn such a title... <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
